Police Report

By Gonz Blinko

BlindChristian’s wife read to us from the town newspaper for this little island. She thought we might find the police blotter entertaining so she read one of the stories aloud. We all laughed when she told us that the police chief, one Bubba Castell, edited this section of the paper.

The most amusing story described how Officer Perry, a town cop, was dispatched to a complaint by the owner of a water front condominium. It seems that the last people to rent the place left it, “covered in vomit and human feces.” The story described how Officer Perry took lots of photographs of the damage, obviously to provide 8 by 10 glossy pictures with circles and arrows and a paragraph describing each on the back. I wonder if a Levy County judge will bring his guide dog along for the trial.

The best part of the blurb from the blotter came from Chief Bubba himself, “I can’t imagine adult human beings acting like this but I guess it takes all kinds to make this world go around.”

“It takes all kinds?” Exclaimed BlindChristian, “What sort of sick and twisted perversions, drugs, booze, whatever causes people to smear shit all over the house?” Then, in a softer tone he asked, “Gonz, we never did anything like that did we?”

“Nope,” I replied. “I can’t claim to remember every bit of weirdness we participated in but nothing scatological comes to mind. We were usually pretty good about mopping up the puke too.”

“Then what sort of sickness might cause this?” he asked, some what in disgust but with a certain curiosity in his voice that made me wonder if he thought he might have missed out on something fun.

“Maybe it’s like the guys downstairs at the Ram Rod,” inserted Samhara. “As your doctor, I highly advise you to steer clear of such behavior.”

“I thought you were a lawyer,” said BC.

“Doctor, lawyer, its all pretty similar and, even without an actual degree in health care I can tell you that rolling about in vomit and shit is definitely unhealthy.”

“Can you cite a source for that assertion?” Asked BC whose wife immediately added, “Do you always need to be an asshole?”

“I just can’t imagine why people would come to such a beautiful spot and spend enough time indoors to trash a place like that,” I said. We sat on the deck overlooking the water and drank coffee provided by the establishment. “It must be Maxwell House,” I thought as I placed my cup back on the table as I said, Yuk,” after taking the final sip.

We had spent the previous day fishing and had celebrated BC’s birthday by eating a four foot black tip shark. We had some sea trout to go along with it.

“Why does this godamned new JAWS update keep saying TAB when I backspace over whitespace at the end of a line?” Shouted BC in frustration. “I hadn’t hit a TAB in this entire document and backspace at the end of a line will often say TAB!”

“Who would have thought of testing the backspace key in MS Word?” Asked BC’s wife sarcastically.

BC grunted and walked off grumbling something about not having Window-Eyes on the laptop he brought along. I hadn’t made such a mistake and my laptop has 5 Windows screen readers and Orca installed so my butt is covered and you, my readers, get to enjoy these ravings.

“Let’s get some more sharks,” said El Negro.

“From Kayaks?” Asked BC.

“Of course,” I added and we grabbed our heavy rods and started walking to the beach with our gear in hand.


I don’t know if the local Cedar Key newspaper has an online presence but the story I mention above really came from the local paper and Bubba Castell is the local Chief of Police.


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I'm an accessibility advocate working on issues involving technology and people with print impairment. I'm a stoner, crackpot, hacker and all around decent fellow. I blog at this site and occasionally contribute to Skepchick. I'm a skeptic, atheist, humanist and all around left wing sort. You can follow this blog in your favorite RSS reader, and you can also view my Twitter profile (@gonz_blinko) and follow me there.

2 thoughts on “Police Report”

  1. “Why does this godamned new JAWS update keep saying TAB when I backspace over whitespace at the end of a line?”

    I think I’ve discovered Waffle House’s plot. You know how the youngsters like to come up with new names for things; it’s sort of a mechanism to differentiate between the generations and to appear to be cool, that’s if cool is still the right word. Well, maybe Waffle House have brought in a load of teenagers to code JAWS; you can get away with paying teenagers less than you would pay more qualified and experienced people. I’d be surprised if Florida didn’t have laws that permitted that. The acid test of my hypothesis is whether they change that annoying music on the JAWS installer to some youngster’s music, say Linkin Park, or whether the music remains the same.

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