Blind Confidential has always published parody and satirical fiction. As we expand our team of authors and start heading toward the news based web site I mentioned the other day, we have started receiving entries from people interested in writing for the soon to be launched site.
Yesterday, I received the following phony press release from old buddy and fellow FS veteran, Brian Walker who now lives somewhere in the large, flat, corn growing part of the United States. It made me laugh and I hope you find it funny too.
Window-Eyes for JAWS
By Brian Walker
Ft. Wayne, Indiana… For immediate release. GW Micro is pleased to
Announce the release of Window-Eyes for JAWS. This exciting new product will revolutionize screen reading technology. Screen reading has never been easier. Window-Eyes for JAWS provides you the best of both worlds – the power of JAWS and the ease of use of Window-Eyes. Window-Eyes for JAWS reads what JAWS alone will not, provides ease of use JAWS cannot, and gives access to settings that no one can find in JAWS.
“Some people asked us why we’d release a screen reader for a screen
reader,” said Dan Weirich of GW Micro. But if they had ever used JAWS,
they wouldn’t have had to ask.”
Let’s face it. No screen reader is perfect. But JAWS has been remarkably foul of late. And even so, people and organizations just keep buying it. Well at GW Micro, we’re not going to give up. Our motto is – if we can’t beat them, we’ll join them – and do it better. So our “middleware” screen reader, Window-Eyes for JAWS is a logical progression for us.
Here are answers to some questions raised by our exciting new product:
Q: What do you mean by “middleware” screen reader?
A: Middleware is normally a layer of programming that lets different programs talk to each other. Microsoft Active Accessibility is “middleware” that provides accessibility information. Well, Window-Eyes for JAWS is middleware that provides a usability layer, translating information from JAWS into human understandable terms, and organizing
JAWS settings into a comprehensible interface, to make it possible to actually use JAWS without years of study.
If you’ve ever used JAWS on the Internet, you know why Window-Eyes for JAWS is an essential addition. If you don’t code HTML by hand, you probably scratch your head when using JAWS on the Internet. Who knows or cares what a blockquote, onmouseover, or anchor are? With Window-Eyes for JAWS you don’t have to know!
Q: Will I have to change settings in multiple places?
A: Not once you install Window-Eyes for JAWS! Ever try to find where to
change punctuation in JAWS? You have lots of choices: the Voices dialogs, the Verbosity dialog, or two or three different places in Configuration Manager… No more! With Window-Eyes for JAWS, all your punctuation settings are in one location! In fact, all settings are easier to find and change.
Q: What about SAPI Voices?
A: They’re supposed to work in JAWS, but that’s only an unsubstantiated
rumor – until now! Get Window-Eyes for JAWS and use any SAPI synthesizer
you have installed, and with the added bonus of no crashes!
Q: How stable will this program be, running on such an unstable platform?
A: Window-Eyes has a rock cocaine solid reputation for stability. If we can do that
in Windows, we can do it in JAWS.
Q: Will I be able to use third party programs?
A: We admit, JAWS doesn’t support much more than Microsoft Office these
days, but with Window-Eyes for JAWS you can run all of your favorite programs. Window-Eyes for JAWS extends the support you get beyond office environments. Life is about more than work so enjoy it!
Q: What about synthesizers and Braille displays?
A: Using these devices in JAWS has never been easy. Select it when you
install JAWS or reinstall it to get them to work. But with Window-Eyes for JAWS, just select your Braille display or synthesizer from a list, and you don’t even need to restart the program! And Window-Eyes for JAWS fully supports using your Braille Senseless as a display!
Q: I’m not a programmer; will I have to learn to write scripts?
A: Absolutely not! If you’re a real glutton for punishment and hate
yourself and life in general, you *can* write scripts… But with Window-Eyes for JAWS you don’t have to submit to such torture! And are you tired of frames that break every time you restart a program? No more! Window-Eyes for JAWS gives you all the easy to use customization tools that have been in Window-Eyes for years. Buy Window-Eyes for JAWS and never script again!
Q: Every time I install a new version of JAWS, I find that something I use
all the time is broken. Will Window-Eyes for JAWS help with this?
A: Yes! With Window-Eyes for JAWS, never worry about upgrading again. We
provide the consistency that JAWS cannot. And those commands that give three different results on three tries? With Window-Eyes for JAWS that will never happen again!
Get your copy of Window-Eyes for JAWS today!
Disclaimer: We accept no responsibility for anyone taking this “press
release” seriously, and offer no apology or sympathy for anyone without
a sense of humor. Have fun!
To those of you who missed the Serotek announcement on Main Menu last night, I recommend you go to the ACB Radio site and give it a listen. For the first time in history, a screen reader now exists that requires no installation whatsoever. It requires no USB key, just an Internet connection and a PC. Users can go to any computer that’s online, type Windows+R to bring up the Run dialogue, type in the SA to Go URL and have a fully functional screen reader wherever they may be sitting.
System Access to Go opens up possibilities that no other screen reader can provide today and, once again, Mike and Matt, the leaders of the tiniest player in this business bring breakthrough technology to the community of which they are members as well as vendors.
Congratulations Mike and Matt!
2 thoughts on “Window-Eyes for JAWS (Satire)”
Great post! I’ve actually used Window-Eyes before but I much prefer JAWS, Non-Visual Desktop Access for some things, and this new offering from Serotek. Speaking of which, I just signed up for a trial, and I’m extremely impressed. I’m using the DEC-talk setting. I used to have a DEC-talk external, and I really like the speech. I think this nifty little piece of technology will most definitely revolutionize the industry. I did listen to Main Menu last night, and it seemed as though they were experiencing some technical glitches!
I like dry humor a lot.
The reason people keep buying JAWS despite the low level of usability might be because there aren’t well known enough options. Or maybe more likely there are corporate deals involved, like Macintosh and their contracts with schools.